


What Comes Next?

by MFIka



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-11-07 07:45:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11054469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MFIka/pseuds/MFIka
Summary: "Sometimes, Magnus thought back on how their relationship started and it never failed to amaze him how far they had come, together and as individuals. Their relationship was new, there was a lot to uncover and to work on, but it felt safe – the safest Magnus had ever had. Maybe it had something to do with how /sure/ Alec was about them. Despite his fears, and despite the people around him, he fought everyday for them against all odds. Magnus fought for them too but in different ways and he would have never expect that one of his greatest obstacles, one of their greatest challenges, would be Alec’s inner demons. /Even Angels have their demons/, Magnus thought."





	What Comes Next?

**Author's Note:**

> A HUGE thank you to my [Beta](http://theexistencegame.tumblr.com)
> 
> Find me on [Tumblr](http://mfika.tumblr.com/)  
> Find me @ [Twitter](http://twitter.com/Ikaairam/)

Written while listening to _Old Skin_ by Ólafur Arnalds

 

What Comes Next?

 

Magnus had stayed up throughout the night, not to watch the dark sky turn a paler shade of blue or burst into purple and pink colours just before the sun rose, or to watch the stars and the way some shone brighter than others. He had stayed up watching Alexander sleep. The steady rise and fall of his chest, his eyes occasionally moving under his eyelids, his lips parting to let a tired sigh escape, leaving Magnus to guess his dreams.

Their previous night had been emotional, crammed with feelings that didn’t bother to announce themselves but refused to leave and wanted nothing but linger in one’s skin and thoughts. The party for Max would have been a palpable success if a large number of things hadn’t happened – the boy’s rudeness fuelled by his parents’ hatred, Robert’s painful absence, and Iris’ plot to get Magnus’ spell-book. The weight of all of these, however, paled in comparison to the fear clenching around Magnus’ heart over what he had seen earlier that night. Alexander, pain stricken, filled with hatred and self-doubt, with desperation running so deep in his veins that he had thought that ending his own life would be preferable. Magnus knew this was the effect of the spell Iris used to curse them and take the book, but Magnus was also aware that spells could rarely create fears – this one, at least, couldn’t. All of what the guests saw, or thought they saw – Simon cheating with Maia, Maryse attempting to murder Jace - was nothing but the spell playing with their deepest fears and insecurities. If his guests had turned against each other, Alexander had turned on himself and that was the most painful echo the spell left behind. There was a gaping wound staring right at Magnus and Magnus wasn’t sure of how to face it, much less how to heal it. He was good with potions and spells that could heal one’s body, but emotional damage and psychological gashes ran deeper, cut deeper, and Magnus’ magic was powerless when faced with such a forceful enemy.

“My dear Alexander…” He whispered, watching his Shadowhunter sleep.

He wiped his eyes dry and tried to smile even if Alexander couldn’t see him, for he knew he would prefer seeing Magnus smile.

Alec had jumped but Magnus had caught him and that was what the Warlock would have to do, as many times as he needed to, until Alexander was able to stand by himself.

As much as it pained Magnus, he couldn’t say he had been surprised by where Alec’s mind had taken him. Alexander was a stoic person. He suffered greatly, but he suffered in silence. A suffering such as that screamed louder than any other, for it burned slowlyand consumed the very last drop of will power. Alexander was used to only counting on himself when he needed help the most and it was an advantage but it was a great burden too; Magnus’ balcony having been only the tip of the iceberg.

Alec had reassured him that he wouldn’t have jumped if it weren’t for the spell, that he had never considered taking his own life, but Magnus still worried that the sheer force of Alec’s impulsions had led him there.

With a silent sigh, he turned on his back to face the ceiling instead, knowing that Alec was prone to wake up if one stared at him for too long. A smile tugged at the corners of Magnus’ lips at the memory of a particularly rainy morning where Magnus had decided that watching Alec sleep was a more interesting show than the rain spreading chaos on the streets of New York. He had shifted after long minutes under Magnus’ attentive look, “ _You are too sappy to be creepy,_ ” Alec had mumbled in his adorable sleepy voice, his eyes heavily closed still.

Sometimes, Magnus thought back on how their relationship started and it never failed to amaze him how far they had come, together and as individuals. Their relationship was new, there was a lot to uncover and to work on, but it felt safe – the safest Magnus had ever had. Maybe it had something to do with how _sure_ Alec was about them. Despite his fears, and despite the people around him, he fought everyday for them against all odds. Magnus fought for them too but in different ways and he would have never expect that one of his greatest obstacles, one of _their_ greatest challenges, would be Alec’s inner demons. _Even Angels have their demons_ , Magnus thought.

Shadows were dancing on Magnus’ ceiling, moving along as the city lights obscured the naturally light sky. He followed them with his eyes, imagining a waltz in his mind – a large room, shimmering walls reflecting pale colours as two people in the centre danced their cares away. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, trying to relax and coax his mind to relax, to sleep.

It didn’t take him long to realise he wasn’t going to be able to sleep that night and that it was probably better to get up before he got restless and frustrated. He looked over at Alec, sleeping, sprawled on his stomach, his fingers just barely touching Magnus’ arm. He leaned over and kissed his forehead, ghosting his lips over his skin gently so he wouldn’t wake up – Alec slept deeply but he was quick to wake up, something he had gained through years of constantly living in high alert.

Magnus trotted over to the closet and smiled at the sight – some of the clothes weren’t his and it filled him with that giddy feeling of homeliness. He reached over to take his silk robe but stopped at the sight of one of Alec’s warm and oversized black hoodies. He hesitated, brushing his fingers over the fabric. He was sure Alec wouldn’t mind if he wore it and, suddenly, Magnus craved for the comfort of Alec’s embrace. Alexander was sleeping and Magnus didn’t want to disturb his peaceful slumber, so he took the hoodie and hugged it to his chest. He walked out to the living room and glanced out at the balcony, a shiver going down his spine. From the ceiling-to-floor window, he could see Manhattan Bridge completely illuminated, the frenzy of cars not at all diminished by the late hours of the night. He took small steps to the window so the view could be a bit better, fighting against the knot on his stomach as clear flashes of Alexander standing on the edge of it passed in front of his eyes. Magnus had never walked away from his fears but the smallest chance of losing Alexander was proving to be one of the toughest confrontations he had ever had. He looked out and saw the dark river snaking its way under the bridge, people as small as ants walking along the river as if taking a leisurely walk at 4pm. Letting out a shaky breath, Magnus rested his hand on the handle and turned it, the clicking of it telling him the door was opened. Immediately, unforgiving, the cold breeze touched his face and naked torso, filling his skin with goose bumps. He swallowed thickly and took a step forward, blinking away the tears that were threatening at the corners of his eyes. The gentle wind eased the feeling of dizziness, as if that place was holding something against him, his ears almost deaf to the sound of the city that never slept. With another deep breath, Magnus straightened up and faced it all. The city in front of him, filled with life, was still the same and Alexander was still sleeping: he was alive. With another step, a surer one, Magnus went to the edge of the balcony and glanced down. With a small gasp, he receded and clenched the hoodie harder against his chest. _Baby steps, Magnus, baby steps_.

He glanced down at his arms and the black lump there, waiting. He unfolded the hoodie and smiled softly, recognizing his boyfriend’s scent the second it reached his nostrils, encouraged by the mild wind that seemed to bring closer the buzz of nightlife. He brushed his fingers on the soft fabric, the smile on his lips growing warmer – it wasn’t Alec’s skin but it would do. He put it on; momentarily amused by the way his hands disappeared under its sleeves, only the tip of his black nails showing. Magnus wasn’t small, and he wasn’t lanky for sure, but Alexander was taller and the fact that this was an oversized sweater, precisely to be comfortable and cosy, helped Magnus feel like he was disappearing into Alexander’s embrace. He wrapped his arms around himself and took in a breath of air – for once the unpleasant smell of the river didn’t make his comfort waver. The warm and fluffy material of the inside of the hoodie was protection enough against the cold breeze and, as it slowly settled on him, it relaxed him in a way only Alexander knew how to – even if he wasn’t there. It was knowing that this was his, that it held some sort of remanence of his touch, of his presence, that steadily pushed his fears back. The feeling of dread and sadness started to dissipate and just as Magnus was about to walk back to the edge of the balcony, strong arms encircled his waist. It was a familiar touch – sure and reassuring, strong and careful, all at the same time. “I thought you were sleeping,” Magnus found his voice as he pressed his back to Alexander’s chest.

“You weren’t in bed,” he offered an explanation, his voice drowsy and heavy with not only sleep, but also tiredness. Alec planted a kiss on Magnus’ unruly hair and Magnus felt the smile on his lips. “Is that my hoodie?”

“Yeah,” Magnus murmured, snuggling more into his touch. He felt relief spread, starting on his chest and then travelling down to the tip of his toes. “I needed your hugs but you were sleeping.”

“That counts as an emergency, Mags, you could have woken me,” Alec smiled, kissing his temple. His embrace tightened, holding Magnus to him as if he was holding on for dear life – and he was.

“You need the rest, Alexander,” he offered, brushing the tip of his exposed fingers on Alec’s naked arms. “You’re going to catch a cold.”

“You’re warm enough,” Alec countered. In reality, Alec was providing all the body heat, his arms wrapped so securely around Magnus that his shoulders curved over his boyfriend. Magnus liked it - Alec’s weight on him was always a welcomed feeling, and it grounded him.

“You’re thinking too much,” Alec whispered this time, his muscles tensing, something he could always blame on the breeze and not on fear.

Magnus remained silent at that, not knowing how to answer just yet. He glanced out at the bridge again, at the river, at the ant-like people, and he saw life everywhere - the shimmering lights never going out in the distance, the blurred sounds of people laughing, of cars speeding or slowing down, the far away beat of some indistinct music. Magnus could _taste_ life everywhere. He glanced down at Alec’s arms wrapped around him, half buried in the large hoodie, giving it that extra something that Magnus missed when he first put it on. The scent was there, the touch was there, the familiarity of it was there, but with Alec’s arms in it, it became alive. Magnus saw life everywhere.

“I am…” He finally conceded, “but it’s not a bad thought,” he murmured.

Alec, who had patiently waited for a reply with that calm steadiness that only he could exude, smiled. “Want to share that thought with me?”

Magnus stirred, turning around to face his tall and handsome boyfriend. He wrapped his arms around his neck, feeling the hoodie brush upwards on his skin, exposing just the dimples on his lower back. Alec was looking down at him with bright hazel eyes, the colour of honey, softened by the city lights – full of life. The dark bags under his beautiful eyes told Magnus that Alec was still tired, that the sleep Alec had indulged in was still not enough, but they also told him that Alec was fighting, always fighting. He brushed his fingers lightly on the back of Alec’s hair, feeling the spot where his hair started to grow and he continued upwards to the thick of his dark and soft hair. Behind him, Magnus’ apartment remained in the dark, the lights occasionally reflecting on the glass frame of a painting or a framed photograph. The door to his bedroom was ajar and there was a dim light draping across the floor of his loft – Alexander must have turned on the night-stand table lamp so he could see where he was going and avoid bumping against something. Magnus had seen Alexander hit his toe on the closet once and it hadn’t been pretty – one would think it was just as bad as demon poison and Alec, who was usually so put together, cursed so much that Magnus was both surprised and amused, jokingly threatening to call an ambulance.

Focusing back on his boyfriend, Magnus smiled a warm and calm smile, gaining a lopsided smile in return. “I was just thinking that… You’re here,” he murmured and upon seeing Alec’s confused expression, he continued. “You’re here, with me, and I’m grateful for it. It’s the small things, Alexander, you’re making me realise that life is not in grand gestures; it’s in the small things.”

Alec watched him, the crease of confusion on his brow softening. He smiled, a soft expression, and nodded. “You know what I’m grateful for?” He asked, waiting for Magnus’ smile of encouragement and curiosity before answering. “How good you are with wording what we feel,” he murmured, leaning in to plant a soft kiss on his forehead.

Glancing up, Magnus saw those bright eyes of his scanning the balcony and he felt more than he saw Alec’s Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed thickly. He guessed his thoughts and turned around in his embrace once more to face the balcony with Alec. “What comes next, Magnus? What do we do?” Alec asked, his voice soft but faltering.

Magnus took a deep breath and tightened his hold on Alec’s arms.

“Next we live, Alexander, we live.”


End file.
